So I hear you hate yourself in pictures and that’s why you don’t ever get in front of the lens….
It’s human nature to occasionally see an image of yourself that makes you recoil then question every decision you’ve ever made. Every.Single.One.Of.Us.Has.Done.This. Insert clapping hands emojis for emphasis! There isn’t one human on the planet that hasn’t had this happen a time or two in their life and we need to normalize it.
When I tell you that I help people heal their relationship with their body through the lens of boudoir, it means I allow people to witness the human they are becoming and then invite them to get curious about their body. To see it in ways they never have, to stand powerfully in front of a camera and investigate what makes them feel good and what makes them feel squiggly. Do you think they will love every image?! Absolutely-the-fuck will they not. And that’s ok!
We put such an emphasis on only taking images that we think we’ll like that we forget to document our lives. We refuse to get in front of a lens out of fear and disdain for the person we will see reflected back….and I hear that all the time. Every single week. But I need you to hear me when I say this, you don’t have to like the photo to start healing. You just don’t.
There are a million reasons why you may not like a photo of yourself, but none good enough from prohibiting the documentation of your life. Just because you’re not used to seeing yourself outside of a mirror, or from a different angle, or with different lighting or harsh shadows, doesn't mean your body doesn’t deserve to be in front of the lens! It just makes you human.
I had a moment like this in Banff that I keep coming back to, because it was such a clear example of how fast a photo can try to take you out. It was one of those days you wish you could bottle up and keep forever. Sun out, sitting by the river, feet in that freezing, sparkly water. Drinks in hand. Friends around. I felt good. Like, genuinely good in my body. I was wearing one of my go-to outfits, black crop top, black skirt, big earrings. My little uniform. I was comfortable. I was present. And then someone took a photo….And when I saw it, I had that full body recoil. You know the one. Where it’s like your stomach drops and your brain just starts firing.
The angle was bad. The lighting was bad. My belly looked more prominent than I expected. And immediately all those old voices showed up.
“You look terrible.”
“What are you doing wearing that?”
“You shouldn’t be out like this.”
It almost ruined the entire day. Like, genuinely almost derailed everything. But I caught it. And I think that’s the part I want you to really pay attention to…not that the thought happened, but that I noticed it. I had to pause and ask myself, “Am I really about to let a single photo take this entire day away from me?”
And the answer was no.
So I did this thing I’ve practiced over and over again. I took those voices, the ones that aren’t actually mine, the ones that were handed to me by media and people and years of conditioning, and I imagined pulling them out of my brain and putting them in a canoe and sending them down the river. Which, in that moment, was very convenient because I was literally standing in a river, and then I stayed.
I stayed in the moment. I stayed with my friends. We went to dinner. I got pulled on stage at a Greek restaurant and broke plates and laughed until I cried and had one of the best days I’ve had in a long time.
None of that would have happened if I had let that photo win.
That’s the thing no one really talks about. It’s not the photo that ruins your day. It’s the meaning you attach to it. Because the truth is, no one else is seeing you the way you’re seeing yourself in that moment. No one else is zooming in on your stomach or your chin or whatever it is your brain has decided is the problem. They’re seeing you laugh. They’re seeing you exist. They’re seeing you be a human in a moment. The only person tearing you apart in that image is you.
So the goal is to start showing up. To start being seen. To start documenting your life as it is right now—not five pounds from now, not ten pounds ago, not some imaginary version of yourself that you think would finally be “worthy” of being remembered. Right now.
Because here’s the part that always hits me in the chest a little bit….photos are not just for you. They’re for the people who love you. They’re for the story you’re leaving behind. They’re for the moments you’re going to want to remember when time has moved on and everything looks different.
If you’ve ever lost someone, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You don’t go looking for the perfect photos. You don’t care if they looked “flattering.” You just want to see them. Existing. Living. Being who they were. And if you’re not in the photos… if you keep waiting… if you keep hiding…what are you leaving behind?
So take the photo….Even if you don’t like it. Even if it makes you feel a little uncomfortable. Even if you never look at it right away.
Take it anyway and let it exist in the digital footprint you are building. Let it hold a memory from a day you want to relive. Let it be a part of your story. And maybe, just maybe, you will heal through the documentation of your story and you will look back on this images with joy and pride, and maybe even eventually love.
Give yourself the permission to grow and learn to love the version of yourself that once was and the version of yourself that you are becoming.
I love you friend, I am so fiercely proud of you and I can’t wait to see how you start to document this one beautiful life we are given! Because one day, you’re going to look back at this version of you, the one you’re so hard on right now, and you’re going to see something completely different. And I don’t want you to miss her.
Love you!
Katelyn
Ps, look at how happy and adorable this image is!! How could this silly little cutie derail an incredible day?!
